The Fiver | With the crisis klaxon currently hooting around Goodison Park

Like religion, politics and the best way to poach an egg, the subject of football can be a decidedly divisive one, sparking frank exchanges of views that regularly end in scenes of unseemly, outright violence. With debates about refereeing decisions, team selections and whether or not Lionel Messi could hack it on a wet night in Stoke regularly sundering relationships, there was until recently at least one thing everyone could agree on. Having seen them finish seventh in the Premier League before spending £140m on new talent during the summer, everyone with a passing interest in English football was unanimous in their belief that Everton would once again finish alone in their own little mini-league snuggled between sixth and eighth. Along with death and taxes, the Goodison Park outfit finishing seventh in the table next May was one of few certainties in life.
But that was then and this is now … a decidedly unexpected “now” in which Ronald Koeman’s underwhelming collection of overpriced scampering midfield playmakers and Wayne Rooney have won just two of their first seven league matches and are licking their wounds after having their derrieres handed to them in their own back yard by Burnley. It was their fourth league defeat of the season and leaves them 16th, nine places below their allotted, carved-in-granite place in the pecking order. Trying to replace Romelu Lukaku was never going to be easy, but barely trying is beginning to look a rather monumental act of folly.
With the crisis klaxon currently hooting around Goodison Park and Koeman reduced to praising the “effort” of his players for want of anything else to enthuse about, Everton’s majority shareholder Farhad Moshiri has proffered the worrying vote of confidence that generally signals a manager is about to be ushered towards the door marked Do One. Through the medium of his confidante, broadcasting’s Jim White, Moshiri agreed that Everton fans deserved better, but that Koeman was not coming under pressure from upstairs. “We are in a bad moment,” he said, in a bespoke statement neatly embroidered on one of Jim’s old Deadline Day ties. “There is mental and physical fatigue and seven [knacks]. These are early days and Koeman has my total support. We have great fans and they deserve better. We know the honest and objective expectations of our supporters and will not let them down.” Translation: seventh it is, then and you can take that to the bank.
While Everton fans are a reasonably patient bunch whose expectations are far from outlandish, many have voiced their irritation with Koeman’s comment that he saw plenty of reasons to be cheerful in the defeat by Burnley. “I am pleased with the performance of all the players,” he tooted. “What the team showed today was positive.” Meanwhile on Lazy Journalist Story Generator, he praised the “commitment” of his players in a tweet that could scarcely have spawned more outrage if it had been written by Katie Hopkins and endorsed the clubbing of baby seals. Brighton are up next and with the Goodison Park natives getting restless, another defeat could spark open revolt.
“Our live subtitling service is normally very accurate and makes our content much more accessible, but there are times when unfortunate errors occur” – a BBC suit apologises for the subtitling error branding Newcastle “black and white scum” during Match of the Day 2. Still some way to go to beat this, however.
Football Weekly will be back bothering your aural senses dreckly.
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“Will The Fiver change its references to make them more out of date/hip now Roy of the Rovers is returning?” – Richard Whiddington.
“In reference to Newcastle’s equaliser against Liverpool on Sunday, I’ve watched every second Joselu has played and all I can tell you is this: if untackled and left to his own devices, he most assuredly would have missed. Bet Jürgen Klopp wishes he’d thought to call and ask me, saving himself a sleepless night and loads of grief. I can only do so much” – Marten Allen.
“Let me join a chorus of other physics-loving, self-loathing Fiver readers and point out that Bob Zoellner (and others) have misstated Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle in analysing Carlo Ancelotti’s departure from Bayern (Friday’s Fiver letters). The principle concerns velocity (not momentum) and position. Momentum is the product of velocity and mass, except in UK politics, in which it is an increasingly strong left-wing presence. Which, of course, if Ancelotti had at Bayern, etc, and so forth” – Rob Tyler (and no other physics-loving, self-loathing readers).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Marten Allen.
Pep Guardiola says the Barcelona v Las Palmas match that was staged behind closed doors following disturbances related to the Catalonia independence referendum should have been postponed. “[It] should never have been played, not at all,” he said.
Fresh from watching his new Birmingham City side slump to 22nd after a 6-1 gubbing at Hull, Steve Cotterill has announced promotion. “It is a Premier League club,” he roared. “The people who work here are Premier League. We have Premier League supporters and a Premier League fanbase.”
Sir Bobby Charlton has told England players to appreciate a training pitch at St George’s Park that has been named after him. “We never had anything like this when we were footballers,” he parped without taking a minute to think that it would have been weird to be playing on a pitch named after himself when he was a footballer.
Inter have ruled out making Arsenal’s Mesut Özil Inter’s Mesut Özil in January. “I don’t think players like him will be leaving in January,” sighed Erick Thohir.
Juventus will not be signing Liverpool’s Emre Can in January after being told they Emre Can’t have him. “We don’t think we are going to make a big signing in January,” reckoned Juve grande parmigiano Beppe Marotta, which, on second thoughts, doesn’t rule out Can.
Liverpool legend Rickie Lambert has called time on his playing career after failing to find a new club following a mutual-consenting from Cardiff in July. “To have represented clubs like Southampton, Liverpool and playing for my country in a World Cup were beyond my wildest dreams,” he cheered, presumably echoing a few other people’s thoughts.
And Ghanaian ref Joseph Lamptey, banned for life over officiating that forced the South Africa v Senegal World Cup qualifier to be replayed, has offered his side of the story. “I can tell you that I felt deep pain after having done such an injustice against that country,” he sobbed. “I really love that country. My mistake was never intentional … When I came back from the match in South Africa, my wife kept asking me what I had done to the Senegalese people. I told her so many times that it was a [human] error that I made against a country I adore.”
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Sid Lowe on Barcelona in the eye of a storm over Catalonia.
Camra’s loss was Big Website’s gain as a sharp-eyed sub amended a typo changing this blog on the weekend’s Premier League action from Talking Pints at the last minute.
Atalanta share a nickname with a mythical Greek huntress, which is a roundabout way of inviting you to read Paolo Bandini’s Serie A blog this week.
Hamburg and Werder Bremen do not, but that should not stop you from reading Andy Brassell’s Bundesliga blog.
Jeremy Alexander’s latest piece investigates the Football League’s only unbeaten side, without ever answering the question of whether to pronounce them Shroooosbury Town or Shrowsbury Town.
Clutching a boot and looking in distress? Tick. Trudging glumly to the bench? Tick. Career unfulfilled? Tick. Once spoken of as being among the most deadly finishers in Europe? Tick. Knack? House! Sachin Nakrani plays Daniel Sturridge bingo.
Floating football brain in a jar, Jonathan Wilson, dusts the chalk from his fingers and shares his latest tactical musings: why Manchester City’s full-backs were better than Chelsea’s.
The England U-21s have got themselves a soccerballer, writes Bob Williams.
And on Tuesday, Big Website will launch the latest in its Next Generation series, selecting the world’s best talents born in 2000, so why not look back on the past selections and marvel/laugh as appropriate?
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

SOURCE : GUARDIAN SPORTS
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